So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize