everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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