I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
