He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
