I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
