just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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