I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
