i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
