The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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