At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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