Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
