Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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