twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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