Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
