I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
