i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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