he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My penis needs a shock collar
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
