dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
