Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
