I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
