i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
