You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
