we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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