Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
