a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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