Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
