I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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