I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
