But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
