my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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