I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
