I wish my penis had an off switch
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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