Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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