I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
