my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
