Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
