Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
