i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
