shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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