Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
