I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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