Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
