so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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