Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
