Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
