just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
