So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
