When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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