I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize