so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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