We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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