I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
