Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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