I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
