She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
