Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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