i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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