The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
