Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize