i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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