he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
