Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
