her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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