come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
