literally had 100 drinks last night.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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