I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
it was like eating out sand paper
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
