i need an iv and a liver transplant
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
