Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
