i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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